Well I’ve been down with the flu since Monday and man it’s been rough! But not as rough as tomorrow will be. Tomorrow will be my grandmothers birthday and it will be the first time I can’t call her. I’m gonna have to do a lot of praying to make it through this.
Saturday afternoon I took my first big step of acceptance and went by her grave for the first time since she’s been gone. And that’s where it really hit me. She’s no longer here. I spent 3 hours on my knees crying and talking to what I felt to be her around me. I walked away with the peace of knowing she is with Jesus and she watching over me!! And it is ok to cry when I’m upset no matter when or where I may be. She was a huge part of my life that I will never forget.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself how much you can actually take before just washing your hands and walking away. But what do you do when you have that feeling towards certain people in your family? I’m referring to the certain people you will bend over backward for but are no where to be found when they’re needed! I’ve often found myself in a very awkward position with these certain few & it’s really hard to forgive and forget when history keeps repeating itself over & over……just exactly when is enough, enough?

Just when I thought I’d never get a sign of hope I came across a picture on Pinterest. It said “God doesn’t give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.” Those were exactly the words I needed. My grandmother was not only an inspiration and the light of my life, but she was also a Godly woman who taught me that when all else fails trust God! And I’ve realized I’ve built a wall to keep everyone out including God. I believe once I put my full faith & focus back on Him I will get all the answers I am in search of and my heart won’t feel as heavy!!

Sometimes I think my days at work are far to stressful. But then I come home and sit down and that’s when I realize the craziness at work is just what I need to keep my mind off of the sad thoughts I often have…I miss my grandma more than I could ever say. And I don’t believe I ever had my chance to grieve. But my question is…how do you grieve? How do you cry when no tears will come out or they come at the worse possible times. I just want to accept what I’m faced with and be okay with it. People say time heals all wounds but its obvious those people have never been hurt!

I’ve always been the type of person who was there for everyone. I never revealed my feelings. I’ve always been a family person, and my grandparents are the center of my world. This time last year my world began to spin out of control and I began to loose it all.

It started out when I found out my mama’s mama had breast cancer. I was completely shattered. It was something no one expected. I knew she was a strong lady and she would make it through. I was beside her through the surgery, the radiation, and the chemo. She was so strong through it all and she made a full recovery.

But while we all helped her get better there was another issue about to hit us all like a ton of bricks.

On May 15th my other grandma was put in the hospital for pneumonia. This was a usual visit due to her asthma and COPD. My son had just had surgery so I was unable to make it to the hospital to see her. 3 days into her visit things went downhill and took a turn for the worse. The drs found out she was bleeding internally and she was rushed in for emergency surgery. Little did I know this would be the last time she would ever speak again. The drs got her stable and she was moved to another hospital. For the next 4 months we watched as she slowly lost everything she had in her, even her ability to fight. In August she was removed from life support and place in the hospice house for 24 hour care and constant pain medication to keep her comfortable. We sat by her side everyday knowing that the one deep breath a minute she was taking could very well be her last. It wasn’t until August 11, 2012 at 11:15pm that I recieved the dreaded phone call. At that very moment I lost my very first grandparent and I knew nothing would ever be the same.

Today has been dreary day….I haven’t had much strength to even get up off the couch. I’m getting sick again. This makes the third time in one month. I’m on the verge of loosing my mind!

I’ve never really been much on New Years Resolutions because I never keep them so this year I decided that I was going to think about my resolution before actually committing to one….so after almost 3 months of thinking I have finally made my mind up! I am going to totally reinvent myself and become a better person. It’s not that I’m all bad to begin with but there a lot of things I need to improve and this is my way of doing just that! So heres to hoping everything works out!!!